Day 33

April 20th, 2010!! A day I am likely to remember always. I am going to be a bit sentimental right now but please bare with me. Today I realized so many things that were evident, but I guess I was holding on to not only my youth, but my children's youth as well. For the first time ever, I paid a stranger to mow my lawn. My lawn mower broke and by children have been so busy with school and work of their own, and even their own houses, that I could not even borrow a neighbors mower to have them mow. It was either mow on crutches or pay. So I paid!!!

My son Kyle has booked and paid for his HONEYMOON!!!!! He owns his own house (which by the way, his fiance lives in and he does not out of respect for his bride to be and so that his father will not cut his ding a ling off) He gets married in a bit over 5 months. The other day I was watching him on a video at the age of 4 singing the 12 days of Christmas, so timid and so very cute. When did he grow up? He has really done well for himself, owning his own car, his own house, paying bills when he does not even live there and taking care of his dad on crutches, making sure I get to the gym every day and even working out with me. I am proud of him.

My son Ryan came over tonight and for the first time, I saw him as an adult. He is 26 but I will never forget the day he was born, the feeling of being a father for the first time, scared out of my mind, yet more excited than I had ever been. Tonight we talked about his impending wedding, and what lies ahead in his life. He is an adult, with a grown up job, and responsibilities and soon a wife. In his job today, he is facing removing 3 children from 3 different homes. He has to be strong and professional and pretend that it does not bother him, but I know deep down inside, his heart is breaking. I do hope that seeing all of this now, will make him a better husband and father one day. I am proud of him.

My son Adam, who ever sees him anymore? We laughed the other day while watching video's of Adam as a child, the boy who never spoke because his brothers did all the talking for him. The boy with stitches ever other week or a cast or a splint. It is no wonder that DCF never came knocking on our door. He was always in the emergency room for something. Football injuries, playing ball in the tub and splitting his chin, falling and hitting his head on the table and needing more stitches. With school, work and the girl friend, it is like he does not live here. He comes home while we are in bed and leaves before we get up. I miss him already. Proud? Yes of course.

And then there is Lexi. As I listen to her and Karen argue about what shirt she will wear tomorrow and what earrings match, I realize that this is just the beginning of the many years ahead where I will have to take up drinking just to survive. When Karen does her all up for her dance competitions, I get a glimpse of the future and how this little girl is going to be a knock out, with a killer body and a smile that melts my heart. When she is dancing, she reminds me of Karen when I first met her. Only a few more months of age 10 and elementary school, then 11 and middle school comes and forces her to grow up.

I sit here literally in tears as I look back on these 4 blessings and wish that I could just freeze time. I don't want them to grow up, yet at the same time, I know they must and in 3 cases......have. I hope that they will always carry with them all they have been taught and that they will always know they can turn to me for anything. I love them dearly.

A loving heart is the truest wisdom.
Charles Dickens